Facing myself.

In the past month, I finally realized how nasty I talk to myself.

I've done a lot of learning in the last year or so, all about my filters and how to see through them, but I recently really heard what I was actually telling myself. Like, I am such a loser for eating too much, etc.
Oh. That's why I can't stick to a reasonable eating plan. And keep exercising regularly.

You wouldn't either, if you had a woman looking over your shoulder at everything you did, every time you slipped up, telling you how badly you screwed up, and that you were never going to get it right.

She's been with me for a long time. Before eating and exercise, she criticized other stuff I was trying to do.

So I am taking a break from her. I told her I am not listening anymore. When she starts talking, I put my fingers in my ears and say "lalalalala" and TRY to tune her out.

I'm practicing.
It does take practice, ya know. To stop listening to someone you've been hearing all your life. And I'm not perfect at it yet.

But, yesterday as I was skiing with Sam, I thought "It is not about how fast or how far, it is simply about the doing."

A moment of clarity. All these years, I have thought about the distance or the speed, and how many calories burned and if whatever I was doing should really count as a workout.
If I was doing something, I wanted to be good at it, or at least progressing.
Every day I felt I should be going a bit farther or faster. And if I didn't, that was failure. (See that should in there?)

Meet FAILURE TO ACHIEVE. My most-exercised filter.

In discussion between my therapist and me, I realized I have a real hang-up with exercise. I felt if I was going to go for a walk, for example, it had better be at least 2 miles, or it didn't really count. I can see now, why I couldn't motivate myself to keep exercising.

So, I am going to practice doing to do. Not counting minutes, not counting miles. Not counting if it counts or not.

Having my children as my exercise partners helps.
Yesterday, Sam was so excited to be out skiing, how could I not smile? Our skill level didn't matter. The distance didn't matter. What mattered was the JOY of being out there. I confess, I almost tear up when I think about it- Sam's excitement, he was practically dancing on skis, and my JOY. The sunshine was bright, and my body and skis carried me across the landscape.

And the eating?

I am not there yet. Diets seem to be all about restricting myself, and I don't do well with that.
I want to develop habits that I can sustain over a lifetime, and I know habits have to develop slowly, or they don't stick. So I will take it slow, finding my way over the rocks.

Which is so contradictive to what I hear. All around me I hear messages about how to lose weight quickly, about how much should be lost...Biggest loser...
It is dangerous to me. It is so easy to slip into thinking and feeling that I am not good enough...

Right now, I am just trying to avoid all thought of weight-loss, dieting dialogue, until I can get my self talk stronger.
I am trying to focus on being healthy. And for me right now, I am sticking to cheering for myself anytime I do something healthy, like that I had some veggies at lunch, "Yay, good job Jan!"
As cheesy as it sounds, it sure beats what I was hearing.

Today I checked in with dietgirl, a blog by Shauna Reid, whose book I've also read.
After losing 175 lbs. over 5 years and maintaining for three years, then 50 lbs. crept back.
It is inspiring to see that, while it would have been easy to quit, or at least quit blogging about it, she is slogging onward and working to take those pounds back off, without dieting, but by being mindful.

Whoo-hooo! Now that I got that off my chest, I might go play in the snow!!